Memories of the Day
by S.J. Kidd
Summary: Kaoru :Kenshin, you said you loved me, and never once did stamp you with the name of a liar, but that's what you were. To be in love is to fight for it...you never fought for me.
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin.

_I do not think I have stolen this idea from anyone, so if any thinks that I would just like to say that I have never read a story like this before. I don't want to be called a copy write…err…criminal._

**Special Thanks To: **Kage Ame for putting up with my horrible writing, and getting this story back so soon!

Warning: This story has an ambiguous ending. You have to tell me if you wish for an epilogue.

_"You said you loved me, and never once did stamp you with the name of a liar, but that's what you were, a liar. To be in love, is to fight for it...you never fought for me." - Kamiya Kaoru. One-Shot!_

-If anyone has a better summary, please let me know-

**Memories of the Day  
**_S.J. Kidd_

I remember you use to laugh at me. Those once violet eyes crinkled in the corners giving away the coming laugh you tried to hold. I always made you laugh you said once-- that's why you loved me.

I never did believe you; my features shown to plain for faith in that word. I laughed when you talked. You were too handsome, too strong, and I was too ugly and too weak to be on your arm.

Your wife is perfect for you. She will fulfill you as I never would.

A few months ago, I received a wedding invitation along with a letter addressed by you. It was not long only a few sentences in length, but I understood the point. I'm sorry it indirectly stated.

Why you said this never shall I know. Was it because you loved me, that word I would not accept from your lips? If so, then it is I who should be sorry. I should ask for your forgiveness, but you knew me too well. Never would I, will I grasp why you said love to me.

Never once did I stamp you with the name of a liar, but that's what you were to me. To be in love is to fight for it, you never fought for my faith, and at the same time I should have freely given faith to you.

Love is faith. Faith is love.

I guess then neither of us really loved the other. Maybe it was just a fling that all people go through in the grand scheme of life. That is what I will label our experience as anything more would be too much.

The music starts. The melody is cliché, so well known that even a child can name its tune. I stand in the back of the church looking at the last pew bare of any soul. The large group of invitees are sitting closer to the alter, but I prefer the scenery back here where you cannot see.

With few awkward steps, I come to the pew and sit silently watching as the bride in white goes by.

I met her once, do you remember that day?

It was sunny, and for it I despise those bright days now. I remember how she smiled and gently held your hand. Tomoe, the name was on your smiling lips, and to not disappoint you I smiled in mirror to your own telling her my name.

Hers was better. All aspects of her surpassed my own. You were so happy, and so I was happy in anguish.

It rained that night.

The crowd sits and in conformity I follow in the same. I will not disturb your day, and I will not let you know that I'm here watching you and your bride seal your vows with a single kiss--a kiss bearing the promise of eternity.

You always wanted me apart of your life, and I was always eager to be apart of it.

I can still feel the weight of your sword in my hand, the arrogant smile on your face as you watched me glide my hand over it. That was the first competition I attended for you; it, of course, was followed by many more. Surprise; I was astonished really at how well you welded the metal object; my breath is still taken. I could never compare to you.

Do you ever think about the day at the Chinese restaurant?

Sano ate too much of that spicy chicken and ended up sick in the men's room. Do you remember having to drag him out with the help from Aoshi that night? I still laugh at it today. Misao never lets Sano live it down.

Ridding myself of my random memories, I smile in accordance to the people in front of me.

You and Tomoe are kneeling now, the priest blessing you. Farther up, in the second pew, I can see Tomoe's mother cry.

Do not worry, I will not cry. I never cried for you. You hated seeing me cry, and I do not wish to upset you. My vision comes a little closer to where you and Tomoe kneel and it is the first pew which catches my sight. Misao has a blank stare, Megumi, right next to her, has a rigid back; they are two of Tomoe's seven bride's maids. To the right, Aoshi and Sano look forward; I cannot see their faces.

I know Tomoe wished me to be her maid of honor; I declined much to your disappointment. I lied; I think you knew, saying I already had a prior engagement the day of your wedding. That is just another reason for you not to see me.

In a way, we are both liars. It comes easy after a while, does it not?

I watch as the priest stops his prayer and proceeds to the alter. I look away regarding you for the first time.

Your face is turned away from mine, but your back is in perfect view. I should have had the courage to tell you that I'm here, that your wedding is beautiful with these white flowers and yellow ribbons. I should tell you that this church is magnificent in its holiness and structure. I wish I could say to you that your wedding is perfect, but I will not. Instead, next week, I will write a letter and congratulate you, ask for pictures. Our only contact will be by letters, a letter was the last way I heard from you. That letter held an invitation; a cream colored one; it felt expensive.

The priest opens a book, the Bible it had to be, and smiling I think back to a time from a couple of years back. We were freshmen in college; you hated literature and asked me to help you.

Frustration was on that face of yours as I talked about Shakespeare, Fowles, and Hemmingway. You came to abhor those names. Math, not literature, was real education. I was, am, the opposite.

The following week, the tides turned and it was I who being tutored frustration on my face as you quoted math books and wrote formulas that I would never use. And I was right, I never use them.

I cannot get your face on those two occurrences out of my mind. Such a child you seemed at first, so cute and vulnerable, and contrasting, a manly arrogance that nearly suffocated me. I loved to observe you--you could be such an antithesis of yourself.

Another song starts and to the front of myself people are singing, some murmuring, and others shouting. Tomoe's face bends at a slight angle only enhancing her side smile, quirked quietly in the corners.

The smile is for you Kenshin, it was always for you. I wonder if that was what first attracted you to Tomoe, that what she gave was only for you. If so, then a wise choice you made. When in love the other should be the only person you preserve that significant smile for.

The song came to an end too soon. People's voices die down and then silence governs. The priest's voice is music now. It reminds me of a time long ago, the priest, the song...the time at the opera, for Megumi's birthday, the conductor silencing and continuing the music.

The priest is the conductor, the conductor is the priest.

The opera bored me though Sano was the only one to show the effect. I can still see your face turn red in the darkness as he started snoring, you, being next to him, tried to wake him up only for his head to fall in your lap.

Later that night, you had a word with him. It did nothing. Sano, as you stated, would always be Sano. Even still, I know I can still make you blush when I retell the story of how people snickered behind the both of you thinking the worst of the situation.

I cannot blame you however--what man would not blush in anger when people take him for something he is not? Actually the blush you carried made my feelings even more a burden to bear.

I look at my watch, in no more than twenty minutes a married man you will be. I wish you happiness, you know that do you not? I quench my feelings, they, in time, will fade away and become as I said…nothing but a past fling.

I hear mummers around me, to the front, I do not pay attention. I'm again somewhere in the past, the time at Sea World to be precise.

The day was some special event, and it was just you and me, the others had gone to get snacks, Misao was hungry. It was night with dark water flowing in front of us as we sat under an umbrella table. The family next to us was laughing, waiting for the fireworks and show to begin. I had never been to Sea World before.

You stared at me and I looked at you smiling asking a question which I cannot remember. I see your lips move in my mind, but words do not come. Again, my memory has lost your lexis, but I know it was funny because I laughed.

That night, by the family and the old couple on the other table, was the first time you admitted you loved me. I did not pay any heed to your words thinking them of the brotherly affection, but nevertheless, I felt a tinge of anxious excitement thinking that maybe you did love me. But, as always, I laughed it off.

You did not look hurt for in the next moment you grabbed my hand and pulled me to the railing where together we watched the fireworks. Later we returned to the table to find the others already back, and the food all but gone.

You never told me, Kenshin, how you proposed to Tomoe. I often wonder what took place, how Tomoe's face reacted. Did she cry, smile, or kiss you? Or did it take persuasion on your part to coerce her into marriage? To the latter, the very notion is doubtful; Tomoe probably jumped into your arms. I have never been so confidant as to do that. If it were me, I would have thought it a grand jest.

A baby wails and a mother gets up walking to the back of the church where I am, she does not look at me for her child needs her. She will apologize to Tomoe and Kenshin later, and I--in vain--try to hide behind the pew when you look back to see who made the noise.

I'm not sure if you saw me or not, but in caution I scoot over to a darker area of the wooden pew.

I try not to laugh. This reminds me of that time when we played hide and seek. It was a spring feeling day on campus, and our dorms were competing against one another in the annual Bronze Cup Race.

I was a member of my dorm, Rosalind, and you lived in North Tower so we, for a couple of hours, were bitter enemies. If you can imagine a bunch of college students play hide and seek then you would know our tricky ways.

Kenshin, you knew me to well, and thus found me too quickly. Rosalind lost that round, as did the other dorms having North Tower be the winner. I will continue to stand by my belief that North Tower cheated, and that you were the ring leader.

Oh, but I had my revenge, and it was so sweet. I do not think you expected that egg in you hair until it was too late, and not to mention the fact that I came up to hug you just to-- being a good sports woman that I am-- batter the egg in your hair.

You were so mad.

The same woman with the child comes and sits next to me. A warm smile is on her face as she nods at me.

"Beautiful wedding," She says. "Sorry about Christopher, right here, he loves attention." She leans over and whispers to me, holding her baby son gently in her arms. She has kind green eyes, I like her immediately.

I smile, "Tell Christopher that I harbor no ill will against him." She gives a quite laugh and faces forward once again her attention caught by the wedding.

My own is not so attentive, I do not wish to view it. I start to tap my foot wishing and dreading for the moment they would seal their vows with a kiss. The kiss would be the end; it would be my moment of truth, my signal to move on.

Did I want to?

No, I would not do something crazy like stand up and confess my immature feelings in front of all these people.

"I'm so happy for Tomoe." The woman whispers to me.

I guess I hid my facial expressions well, she does not see the building pain. I was okay until now. I accepted that my best friend was getting married. I do not love him, I do not. Only if I could make myself believe it. Memories tell me otherwise.

The woman, I notice, brings a tissue to her eyes. Never could I understand why people cried at weddings, unless they were in love with the bride or groom, yet here I was and I still did not cry and stutter. I would not be weak here, not here, never here.

"Yes, they will make a fantastic couple." I whisper back. She nods in agreement and then turns to me.

"I must get back to my husband," She holds out her hand and I take it. "I hope I will see you at the reception."

"Of course," I lie. She will not see me after she goes back to her respectful pew, and I will not go to the reception. I will go home, call up a friend, maybe go to the movies...

You always made movies fun, Kenshin, watching those infamous chick flicks with me. I can see now that sour face of yours after the end, but I can honestly bet that you cried once during the movie _Beaches_. The devil himself cried when he watched that movie.

We never were an item, but even so you always proclaimed you loved me. Once, randomly, while waiting in line to get tickets you whispered in my ear that you loved me. Lucky, our turn was next so I did not have to acknowledge the statement. The only response you received was, _"What movie do you want to see, Kenshin?" _

Another song starts; this is the last one that will be heard before the end. People voices rise, and I sit still in the back, fearful that someone might hear me. Over the others, I see Hiko, quite like I' am, with a expressionless look on his face.

I cannot stop my smirk from forming; many fond memories I have with him in them. His arrogance, his story telling, his mannerisms I always found myself enjoying immensely. Misao told me once that Tomoe, while not repulsed, was discomfited around him-- maybe she found his presence too overwhelming?

Kenshin, you never did have your adopted father's arrogance.

My attention is again on you. I never told you that you were handsome. I'm sorry for that. You, Kenshin, deserved to know. But my pride did not allow for such a thing. That red hair burns against your tuxedo, and it seems to me as if you stiffen when I look at you. Why is it that you were always able to feel my watchful eye? Do you feel it now, Kenshin? I hope not.

The priest is talking again, both of you stand. The moment is drawing nearer and with it my fate will be sealed. I think I will leave before the end, live my life without knowing what took place. Yet that would be a useless thing for me to do, of course you will say yes, and so will she. From now on I can hopefully move on.

"...speak now or forever hold you peace."

Silence fills the church, both you and Tomoe look around. Was that an expression of hope I see in your eyes, Kenshin?

I lower my head as your gaze comes to the back almost as if you're looking for someone. I avoid your gaze. I, for one, will hold my peace. Instead, I ponder about what the priest says. He too is a liar. Nothing last forever, not in this life. Kenshin, one day you will know my feelings, in Heaven people get to know everything. All will be healed then, right?

I see the priest turn to you and speak; I do not hear what he has to say.

My decision is made in less than a second. I walk out of the church, no longer hiding, and soon I'm outside in the cold December air. Snow is falling steadily now and I become cold, my nose turns red. A few cars pass and the lights on the intersection change from green to red.

Stop. Everything seems to stop.

It is silly for me to place my future on the outcome of a wedding. It is better that I not know what happens in that cold white church. I will grow stronger-- I have no need for this. My future will come no matter what happens, and it is up to me alone to face it and grow with it.

I turn back to the church, its frozen white structure rises before me both condemning and comforting. I smile and turn away to walk to my car.

The light is green now.

**A/N**: Please tell me what you think? Should I leave this as a one shot, or should I make an epilogue. I wrote this on the spur of the moment, so it might be so what horrible.

**IMPORTANT**: Please take into consideration the ambiguous ending of the story. It, in the end, could have gone either way. Did Kenshin marry Tomoe, or not?

Thank you, for reading my story, and please, if you would Review, because they make me happy!

_Weather it's now or later, the kid inside will always return.  
_-S.J. Kidd


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Rurouni Kenshin.

I know you will probably all hate me for this chapter. I was planning on doing something else when some of my reviewers, one in particular, who mentioned that Kaoru should have an accident...though I may take this a little different from what they might have thought.

Keep in mind that I may just do another chapter-- I will not say for why. Just know the idea is floating around in my head.

**Memories of the Day  
**_S.J. Kidd_

He often wondered into the cemetery, lost, needing to reaffirm that it was true, that she was actually gone without even a goodbye. How many years had it been now?--five, six, twenty?

God he missed her so much, missed her since he saw her walk out of the church. She never said a word, but neither did he. November, fall, was just rounding the corner, the green leaves slowly changing into vibrant yellows, reds, and oranges.

Kaoru once said that autumn reminded her of him...did she ever think of him, the thought caught him by surprise. Did she ever regret? Megumi once told him that, before the accident, Kaoru smiled on every occasion. Smile like she had something to hide; a secret of the cover.

Running his fingers through his crimson hair, Kenshin sighed heavily opening his eyes only to see her gray stone tablet. The marker held her picture on it, and he smiled remebering what her exact words had been after the flash.

_"Kenshin, I hate pictures! I always come out looking drunk or something worst than evil."_

How was it that her voice still came in perfect tone to his ears? And to what she almost screamed at him, she had always looked beautiful to him--no matter what stage of the day it had been.

In his dreams he could imagine Kaoru sitting next to him, could feel his lips move telling her repeatedly that he loved her, an expression which she always smiled to but commented on.

Did she ever love him like he did her?

Guilt, more than once, settled onto his still beating heart in regard to his wife, Tomoe. He loved her, he truly did, but Kaoru was in a different sphere all together, and that's why he had to let his wife go, she deserved better than to be second.

Just the mere thought of Kaoru's laughing blue eyes threw him into submission, forgetting about Tomoe even if she was touching him. Never had the notion come to mind that he, of all people, could love a woman like her.

To most people, Kaoru was not the super-model perfection society had come to value. Instead, she had been modest, natural, and held a laughing posture. Kaoru was not his type of girl, but she had come to prove him wrong on so many levels, in so many ways.

God he missed her, more than she would ever know.

Kaoru once told him everyone knew about all things once they were in Heaven. Did she now know of his own feelings, of his thoughts, of the things he never had the chance to say?

Why had he not fought harder for her? He should have continued telling Kaoru, that little girl-fool, that he loved her especially since he knew of her own low self-esteem. But...why had she not seen how much he loved her?

There were so many questions unanswered, so many regretful times.

Kenshin slowly kneeled one limb to the ground, and stared at the grave stone with cold eyes. He did not care that his black slacks were getting soaked by the early morning dew; his only desire was to trace his finger around her name--it was a ritual that he told himself he had to do to verify that she was beneath him, beneath six feet on sinister Earth.

Why did she have to go?

Yes it was selfish of him to think that, but even if they did not end up together he wanted the best for her. Maybe that was it, was he not good enough for her?

He could see her laughing in his memories, her raven hair falling, framing, around her face, and how her blue eyes use to light up with an ardent passion for life.

Kenshin's throat constricted.

He could hear her as if it were yesterday, her laugh was the same; silly, vibrant, strange. The sound was haunting almost, a ghostly presence it was to hear the sound of a dear one's lost voice.

Kenshin placed jasmine and yellow roses on her grave. She smelled like jasmine, he knew that because once she fell asleep in his arms during a thunderstorm too scared to be by herself.

He never dared to laugh in front of her about it nor mention it again, but at times when he thought of it a smile would come to his face. That night was when he knew he loved her...a love that was eventually given up on by one, maybe two, parties.

Misao had told him before the wedding that Kaoru loved him.

_"She loves you, you know." Misao said looking up into her friend's eyes seeing his sudden hesitancy. "It's not fair to Tomoe."_

_Kenshin did not turn to look at the petite woman. Kaoru was a lost cause, and it hurt to finally acknowledge that. "I love Tomoe, Misao, I do."_

_He looked at himself in the mirror, Misao reaching over to fix his tie. She closed her eyes._

_"Besides, Misao, you do not know that for sure. I know, Kaoru, and she would never admit that secret to anyone."_

_Misao did not say anything to rebuke him; it was true. No one knew if Kaoru loved Kenshin or not, but still Misao believed that those looks in Kaoru's blue eyes was something beyond friendship._

The day was cloudless, endless blue skies stretch for an eternity making the air even cooler and crisper to the taste. A soft breeze blew through the trees and with it a whistling noise of wind racing through treed canals. The cemetery was beautiful and simple; it was the type of place Kaoru would have wanted to be in death. Kenshin smiled bitterly to himself. Kaoru choose this place almost if she knew she would die.

His trench coat floated around him, the air tickling his face promoting Kenshin to redo his hair. Kaoru always told him long hair suited him, and every time she laughed explaining he was one of the only guys who could pull it off.

A golden leaf floated like a butterfly past his face and settled next to his bent knee. He cracked then banging a fisted hand against the dirt above Kaoru's body. The pain flooded over him, the dams breaking. So much regret, so much waste time, so much doubt.

Love is patient. Patience is love.

He was not patient with her. He had been too fast, to wanting and scared her off. He needed her, as selfish as it was, he need her still. Did she know how hard it was to breathe now just because she was gone. Did she feel this pain when he was married? She had to love him, he saw her at the wedding. Why did he not run after her...why, there were too many of those questions.

Hot tears formed in his eyes and then slowly started to run down his face. His heart ached, and his guilt built until it turned into rage. A frustrated, savage cry broke from his lips, all the pain over the years started to swell in his throat and mind. For so long he held back and now he no longer could.

Nails digging into the grassy Earth Kenshin remember the day he received the call from Sanouske, that day was when Kenji, his son, was born.

_"Hey, Kenshin, I know your busy..."_

_Kenshin stood against the outside of the hospital, pressing one finger to his ear to keep out other sounds' of the city while inwardly urging Sano to hurry up with whatever he was going to say. He had a son, a beautiful baby boy to call his own, and Tomoe had come out of it just fine. Nothing could go wrong, he was a father._

_There was a silence on the other line, and slowly an idea dawned on Kenshin..."Sanouske, is everything alright?"_

_He kept his voice smooth and calm, never was he one to lose his head. Kenshin Himura prided himself on remaining aloof for such occasions._

_"Kenshin," Sano's voice broke a little, "Kaoru died three hours ago. There was an accident on the subway...someone had a gun..."_

_The phone dropped from Kenshin's hands, and on the fourth floor of the hospital a new born infant boy cried._

"Kaoru..." Kenshin whispered brokenly, his voice floating into the wind. "Kaoru," He repeated again. In some unconscious way he was calling for her, his lost love, his true love, a woman who was now gone taking with her the answers to all his why's, and taking half of his soul.

Closing his eyes, Kenshin recalled the funeral. Yellow and white flowers were everywhere, while the guest wore black. Megumi had a red dress saying to everyone that looked at her with disapproving eyes that Kaoru would have been ashamed to she her wear black on a day like this. That female doctor told everyone who would listen that Kaoru thought death as a grand journey that everyone should celebrate, and that she, personally, was going to follow those exact directions.

He did not listen though already hearing it from the woman who laid in the confine, her skin a was not pale, but still beautiful and clear, her hair in a simple style, as were her cloths. She looked like she was sleeping, like she was suddenly going to blink once, twice, three times and open her eyes and stretch and then smile sleepily.

He was numb, the word dead keep flashing through his mind as he held Kenji form close for comfort. Tomoe was there as well, keeping her distance. That day, despite Tomoe efforts, their marriage slowly started to break.

Aoshi once said to him that all people make mistakes, its human nature. Kenshin could not accept that. He ruined four lives: Kaoru's, Tomoe's, Kenji's, and his own, all because of his doubt, her doubt...his mistake.

At times, he prayed to God that this was all but a dream. That one day he would wake up in college again and go meet Kaoru and the others at the local hang out where they would talk about anything from God, grades, to sports. Times when he could just say I love you to the woman with a strange laugh, and blue eyes who never answered back. If only he had a second chance never would he have given up on her like a fool, he would have forced it gently out of her to admit that she loved him.

But the past could not be done over again. His choices were meant to be lived with, and he could do it--Kaoru did, did she not?

She had always been so strong, fiercely independent, and foolish; a little girl in a grown-up world, but she managed just fine. The last time he ever spoke to her was a few months before the wedding, and if it counted, a single letter addressed to him a couple of weeks later stating congratulations from her. She lied in the letter though saying that she was not there when if fact she was.

So many little things had stood in their way, and they had lost.

Love was supposed to be strong, yet in theirs doubt rained supreme.

Was it better that they did not end up together, or is it what should have been. Maybe, despite his love, their relationship would have never worked out. Their doubts had been a powerful force, but it was not an impossible feature to overcome, they just never tried.

Tires against the road's gravel surface brought Kenshin back into the autumn day. Tomoe was here, dropping of Kenji--it was his week to have him.

Dusting off his pants, remebering that he told Tomoe to drop of Kenji here, he walked to the green car smiling as Tomoe got out of the car, and bending down laughing out loud when a little red-haired boy plummeted out of the car into his father's strong arms. The cemetery never fazed the boy.

"Daddy, daddy guess what Ralph did!" Kenji said referring to his new dog bought as a present from both Tomoe and Kenshin. Kenshin allowed Kenji to tell him, in animated motions what happened and when and where, before he looked at Tomoe.

She was not staring back at him, but was rather inspecting the cemetery; she had always thought it lovely.

"Kenshin," She gave a sad smile, "I know she is watching you, a woman in love never forgets."

Kenshin kept his face calm, but his innards twisted in despair. Tomoe was hurt, but understood, she too had lost someone before he came. With quiet eyes and gate, Tomoe kissed both Kenshin and Kenji on the cheek, giving her son an extra hug, before going back to the car.

"Don't forget to feed him his vegetables, Kenshin, or I'll have to maim you." Was the last thing she said before driving out the of cemetery. Kenshin allowed himself to smile at her comment. The woman deserved the best in life, a life he was never able to give her, and the same went with Kaoru, but at the same time Kaoru he could not live without, or so he thought so at times.

Other times, such as this, when his little son was in his arms a whole new meaning to life was restored.

"Daddy, why do you come here?"

Kenji said tugging on his father's slacks. Kenshin smiled down at his son, kneeling to his eye level. "One day, son, you will know. But look at the grave stone over there," Kenshin pointed towards Kaoru's. The white stone was tall and pure, a single picture on it with her name and date of birth and death.

Kenji walked over to the gravestone and touched it, cocking his head to the side a little. "Who is she, daddy?"

Kenshin was silent for a moment before saying the one thing his heart told him to say.

"A woman who lived her life to the fullest she could, Kenji. Why don't I tell you stories about what she, Aunt Misao and the others did, they are quiet hilarious, she was such a character. One time, her and Uncle Sanouske..."

And like that his voice trailed off leaving only the wind to carry his voice to her peaceful grave.

**A/N**: Whew, that was hard, and I really do not think this was as good as the first one, but at least I tried. This chapter might not be as emotional or as good as the last, but I had a good time writing it. :P

And yes, I know, the relationships in this story are a little weird, but not everything can be perfect, ne? Please don't hate me for this ending, as I said I might make an alternative ending, but the idea is still floating around in my mind. If I do it would ruin the angst poignancy of this story though.

Oh well, please read and review. Tell me what you think of KK confusing, strange relationship.

And let me explain something: Kenshin talking about Kaoru (while it may seem wrong to others) is just like him talking about his old friends. Kenji will not know until he is way older what she really was to his father.

-S.J. Kidd


End file.
